How I Knew I Was in a Toxic Relationship
When I was younger, I found abruptly found myself in a toxic relationship. This was not a relationship I consciously stepped into. At the beginning, I chalked it up to my inexperience and miscommunication rather than manipulation. There were some factors that opened my eyes and allowed me to break away from a dangerous situation.
- My opinions and boundaries did not matter
No matter what I did, I could not get this guy to hear me. I would tell him that the excessive PDA made me very uncomfortable, but was completely ignored. I cannot go into detail on how I did not choose to be in this relationship, but he was in a higher position of influence, so I felt utterly powerless in the situation.
- I lied to avoid going on dates
Anybody who knows me personally knows that I can’t lie. Usually I see no use in covering the truth. We both had to interact in public, but I came up with lie after lie for why we could not meet up privately. I hated myself for allowing myself to lie, but it was the best way I could keep myself safe at the time.
- Flirting and physical touch made me ill
There was no denying that I wanted to distance myself from this guy when he began to get even closer to me. I could no longer deceive myself into believing I was overreacting. Every conversation or any time he placed a hand on me made me feel sick and in need of a shower. Though I was younger then, I was not naive enough to convince myself that it was a normal reaction.
- He was flirting with other girls in front of me
The way he flirted with other women in my presence made it undeniable that I meant nothing to him. I never found myself feeling jealous— I was only relieved that his attention was off of me for the time being. I could finally breathe again.
- I was terrified to actually break off the relationship
For the entirety of our “relationship” I was looking for a way out. Unfortunately he was larger than me and had a tendency to lose his temper. I ended up breaking this off over the phone, ripping it off like a band-aid when I knew I wouldn’t be seeing him in person that day.
- I turned to my parents for help
My parents and I have always been close, but I tend try to do as much on my own as possible. I enjoy my independence and did not want to burden them. However I knew this was not something I could handle by myself. I turned to my parents to help me get out of this situation as a whole and breathe again.
If you feel uncomfortable in a relationship, regardless of the circumstances, talk to someone. Always keep yourself safe.
ashleyohare 